Okay, I know how cliché it sounds. But just bear with me here.
My whole life, I never knew what was wrong with me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get it right. And by “it,” I mean life. I always seemed to be doing it all wrong. I would copy how others acted, but that seemed to upset them. And I would be called fake for acting differently around different people.
I tried to “be myself”. Only, I didn’t actually know what that was. Not really. And when I did find people who wanted to be my friend, it was actually really exhausting to socialise and act so bubbly and smiley and funny all the time. But I assumed everyone must feel like that!
In 2013, I started teaching. I learnt a lot about SEND (special educational needs and disabilities). One particular condition that struck a chord with me was Autism. Learning about the different signs and traits, I kept finding myself thinking, “I feel a bit like that.”
Four years later, in 2017, after lots of research, several major meltdowns, and having my own child diagnosed as autistic, I tried for the first time to get referred for an autism assessment. In 2023 I finally got offered an assessment and in May 2024, after a decade-long journey, I finally got my diagnosis. At 33 years old, I finally felt seen.
It’s been a long and hard battle getting to this point, and I know it isn’t the end of my struggles. Even after identifying as autistic, and trying to finally “be myself” and unmask, I have had struggles, because 20 years of learning to be someone you’re not to fit in creates a lot of habits that are hard to break, even though they are toxic to my own welfare (such as forcing myself to be bubbly in social interactions with people I don’t know). When I began therapy, and learning to unmask, I lost friends who turned out to be discriminating and unforgiving of my autistic traits.
But this year, on January 1st 2025, I finally started a New Year feeling happy, confident and proud of who I am, and I want to share my experiences to help validate others struggling to accept themselves. There are many others in similar situations to me, many of whom aren’t as lucky as I am to be diagnosed and well supported by a fantastic therapist.
If nothing else, I get to use this blog as an outlet for journaling my thoughts, and at best, my silly ramblings might be exactly what another undiagnosed woman out there needs to feel validates in this world.
Either way, Happy 2025!
May you get the year you deserve <3
